how can it be? a child just turning 21 can be so comfortable with who she is…with no doubts that she is on the right path with the right people, about to do important things. i can hardly remember turning 21. my son was 2 years old and my husband and i would split up later that year. it was all a blur then and my vision hasn’t yet cleared.

i know more now. i managed to marry 3 men, raise 2 men, bury my mother and her entire family. i made stupid mistakes, compromised much, made little headway, and traded art for bread. but i did survive. with regrets.

somehow, i am in a good place now. i could pursue what i love. drawing. painting. digital art. food. herbalism. yoga. but do i? too many years of barely making enough money to buy food and pay rent has crippled my ability to do what i want. i could rely on brni to pay my way. i should. but i can’t. i’m too afraid to take the risk.

and if i don’t? there just isn’t that much time left to goof off. i’m on the downward side of the slope and i need to hurry if i expect to die happy and fulfilled. what is my problem here?

shit.

maybe tomorrow i’ll go out, find that store the drumming circle spoke about and buy a big-ass drum!

but now, i think it’s time for some ben & jerry’s and a glass of vodka.