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change is seasonal

[please note: i’ve sinced changed the entire look of the journal–so the color change is a bit misleading]
(so i thought i’d go for some fall colors in my journal)

Tomorrow is the last day of summer — the fall equinox. I feel as though these seasonal changes should be noted somehow, marked or celebrated. I’m tired of the prescribed, commercial holidaze that are foisted upon us. Holidaze that are full of obligations that are meaningless to me.

As summer winds down and I begin to put the outside work to rest for the winter, I look forward to planning quiet activities like studying, art, reading, writing and cooking warm, hearty meals. But my winter endeavors are overshadowed by the demands of the holidaze. The traditional jockeying of Thanksgiving dinner — do we go to Brni’s parent’s place or have a quiet meal at home, maybe with friends? Not likely, that second choice. It’s not a secret that dinner at their house is usually filled with an odd assortment of barely edible food; Brni’s brother is always surly and his mother annoying. It’s not horrible, sometimes even a bit fun, but it’s absolutely not how I want to spend a holiday of Thankfulness. The only person there I am truly thankful for is Brni, so why do we do this?

Dinner at my house means going back and forth with Brni’s mother about having a second dinner for Thanksgiving at her house instead of just accepting that we won’t be there. Or, why don’t I cook and have them all over here? NO! After the fiasco of having them all over to our house for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and bringing down the curse of the Turkey upon our heads, I swore I’d never again sacrifice a bird for unthankful people.

Then there’s my dad. It’s the same thing every year. We can’t just be home alone, because then my dad is alone. We can’t go away because then my dad is alone. Why have I been given the roll of my dad’s keeper? He never took care of me when I was growing up. He preferred drinking and gambling to saving for his children’s future. And now, I have to care for him as if he deserved it. Sounds harsh, but he is a really selfish, dirty, demanding, manipulative old man who is going senile and somehow that makes me responsible. Yes, I resent it and I’m even bitter about it. And I feel guilty because, despite it all, I love him and feel very sorry for his loneliness at the end of his years. It tears my heart and during the holidaze it’s impossible to ignore.

Then there’s xmas. The worst. It starts with xmas eve. My aunt knows that I have a big open house party for my friends on xmas day, but she insists on an exchange of presents on xmas eve. Brni’s family also insist on our presence at their house to exchange presents. They know that I work very hard because this is the only party we do every year. It’s an open invitation to all our friends to come anytime on xmas day and stay as long as they wish, just to be together.

So, there’s no respect for my time or wishes if it gets in the way of this obnoxious exchange of things that no one needs or wants.

Every year I request that we stop this wholesale exchange of presents. A trinket or a card is all that’s needed if you are so compelled, but buying tons of gifts for grown people just because you did so when they were little is absurd and wasteful. We do not need any more crap than we already have. And, if you really want to give me something, come to my party! Or pick a different day than the day before my only party of the year.

All I want to do is give my children, Brni and my sister a little something that is from my heart to theirs. I’d like to find something or make something for someone just because, not because it’s expected. Something happy, heartfelt, meaningful or just silly. A token of love to brighten a long winter solstice night — not a bunch of junk for a commercialized xtian holiday that means nothing to me.

I have thought and thought about it over and over, year after year, and still, I can’t find a way out of all this. A way to say no, this is not what I do, not what I ascribe to; but I want to do it in a way that is not hurtful to those who expect all this from me, and in a way they will respect. It is impossible.

I’m 55 years old and I want to break away from all this craziness and live my life my way. Others do it. I’ve heard about them. How do they do it? I need to know because I am 55 and I don’t have a shitload of time left.

Well, I had no idea that this would come out of my intended post about the fall equinox and the change to the colors of Halloween.

major bitch from left field.

I must be experiencing residual emotional goofiness from the epidural I had on Monday.
*grain of salt*

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