Tag Archives: holidaze

winding my way to the end of the year

a heron crossed my path the other day. for some reason, i found this ominous. i’ve always viewed herons as wonderful creatures and thought of them as messengers of good fortune. not this one. this felt like a warning. i have been vigilant ever since, but it’s wearing me down.

i’m very tired tonight. the holidaze have done me in both physically and emotionally. the day brought good food, spirited drinks, dear family and honored friends. it also brought sadness and serious worry for some of my loved ones. a child’s hurt cut my heart; a friend’s bitterness wrenched my gut. i have not slept through the night since. brni is sleeping south of here till sometime on thursday and i simply want to take this time to cushion my senses from the world.

a new year is just around the corner and i’m hoping for strength, insight and inspiration. oh, and to lose weight. and maybe live through the year watching all those i love have a really good time of it.

to bed. no dreams, please.

byebye holidaze

the tree is down
the decorations boxed up and stored for next year
the pine needles and tinsel swept up

another solstice celebrated and another year turned, and i just received my first seed catalog! i hope you all had a lovely holiday and i send lots of good wishes for the new year.

looking forward to spring, green blessings to all!

change is seasonal

[please note: i’ve sinced changed the entire look of the journal–so the color change is a bit misleading]
(so i thought i’d go for some fall colors in my journal)

Tomorrow is the last day of summer — the fall equinox. I feel as though these seasonal changes should be noted somehow, marked or celebrated. I’m tired of the prescribed, commercial holidaze that are foisted upon us. Holidaze that are full of obligations that are meaningless to me.

As summer winds down and I begin to put the outside work to rest for the winter, I look forward to planning quiet activities like studying, art, reading, writing and cooking warm, hearty meals. But my winter endeavors are overshadowed by the demands of the holidaze. The traditional jockeying of Thanksgiving dinner — do we go to Brni’s parent’s place or have a quiet meal at home, maybe with friends? Not likely, that second choice. It’s not a secret that dinner at their house is usually filled with an odd assortment of barely edible food; Brni’s brother is always surly and his mother annoying. It’s not horrible, sometimes even a bit fun, but it’s absolutely not how I want to spend a holiday of Thankfulness. The only person there I am truly thankful for is Brni, so why do we do this?

Dinner at my house means going back and forth with Brni’s mother about having a second dinner for Thanksgiving at her house instead of just accepting that we won’t be there. Or, why don’t I cook and have them all over here? NO! After the fiasco of having them all over to our house for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and bringing down the curse of the Turkey upon our heads, I swore I’d never again sacrifice a bird for unthankful people.

Then there’s my dad. It’s the same thing every year. We can’t just be home alone, because then my dad is alone. We can’t go away because then my dad is alone. Why have I been given the roll of my dad’s keeper? He never took care of me when I was growing up. He preferred drinking and gambling to saving for his children’s future. And now, I have to care for him as if he deserved it. Sounds harsh, but he is a really selfish, dirty, demanding, manipulative old man who is going senile and somehow that makes me responsible. Yes, I resent it and I’m even bitter about it. And I feel guilty because, despite it all, I love him and feel very sorry for his loneliness at the end of his years. It tears my heart and during the holidaze it’s impossible to ignore.

Then there’s xmas. The worst. It starts with xmas eve. My aunt knows that I have a big open house party for my friends on xmas day, but she insists on an exchange of presents on xmas eve. Brni’s family also insist on our presence at their house to exchange presents. They know that I work very hard because this is the only party we do every year. It’s an open invitation to all our friends to come anytime on xmas day and stay as long as they wish, just to be together.

So, there’s no respect for my time or wishes if it gets in the way of this obnoxious exchange of things that no one needs or wants.

Every year I request that we stop this wholesale exchange of presents. A trinket or a card is all that’s needed if you are so compelled, but buying tons of gifts for grown people just because you did so when they were little is absurd and wasteful. We do not need any more crap than we already have. And, if you really want to give me something, come to my party! Or pick a different day than the day before my only party of the year.

All I want to do is give my children, Brni and my sister a little something that is from my heart to theirs. I’d like to find something or make something for someone just because, not because it’s expected. Something happy, heartfelt, meaningful or just silly. A token of love to brighten a long winter solstice night — not a bunch of junk for a commercialized xtian holiday that means nothing to me.

I have thought and thought about it over and over, year after year, and still, I can’t find a way out of all this. A way to say no, this is not what I do, not what I ascribe to; but I want to do it in a way that is not hurtful to those who expect all this from me, and in a way they will respect. It is impossible.

I’m 55 years old and I want to break away from all this craziness and live my life my way. Others do it. I’ve heard about them. How do they do it? I need to know because I am 55 and I don’t have a shitload of time left.

Well, I had no idea that this would come out of my intended post about the fall equinox and the change to the colors of Halloween.

major bitch from left field.

I must be experiencing residual emotional goofiness from the epidural I had on Monday.
*grain of salt*

been awhile but we’re almost done

so, i’ve neglected this journal for quite some time now and the year is almost done. i feel i best say something, whether or not of great social import–would be nice if it was, but — well — we takes what we gets. *smileyface*

the holidaze were not too eventful (phew) but there were little surprises here and there. i was very organized and managed to save exactly the right amount of vacation days to scatter between the days the library was closed for xmas and new years to make a full two weeks off. it’s been so needed both physically and emotionally. i’ve used the time to pamper my damaged back to the point where i can now sit for more than 15 minutes without excruciating pain. this was helped along by an ali massage and a rather interesting acupuncture/moxibustion treatment and liberal doses of yoga and a few muscle relaxers just to get me through the xmas frenzy.

the party was manageable this year, though i did miss that my son, michael was not able to come. my dear friend, josie echoed my back trouble and had to beg off at the last minute as well, and poor jesse came down with a nasty flu-like bug. but those who came seemed to have a nice time of it eating, drinking and making some kick-ass music. i drank enough to throw caution to the wind and banged on my drum along with the real musicians. it felt good and i do hope i didn’t throw anyone too awfully off.

one surprise was an incredible gift of art. how did you know ruth was my favorite character? even as i looked at it, i thought, no, that’s not exactly what i’m seeing…is it? for real? brni explained the connections — amazing what west chester has grown.

i decided to enroll in a 2 year professional herbalism course of study. so, the plan for next year is unfolding. i’m taking a major step onto a new path. by march i will be pursuing my studies and also my art full-time.

but right now, i’m making ready for a sushi new year’s celebration and hot tub party. brni started his baklava (however you spell it) after midnight. he really doesn’t get the whole timing thing. i helped by manning the damp towels and painting butter on filo. one more cup of saki and then to bed so that i’ll be ready for the last day of the year.

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