Tag Archives: nothing

not much of nothing

i am feeling very numb. no creative spark. dull and dumb.
i have nothing to say so i feel blank and lazy.

lots of nightmares recently, though i’m not telling. too disturbing and revealing.

i’m just tired of me.

i think it’s time to ramble a bit…

thinking of the bigness and smallness of things, which is something that has always invaded my semi-sleepiness from the time i was small but big enough to think in words. maybe from before that, but without the words i don’t even know how to remember then.

with the smallness and bigness comes a power struggle. it shifts back and forth between the point of contact, in the space that nothing inhabits. it is here, i think, where the real stuff is. the between, the void. this is the place of knowledge and power and it’s the place that is hardest to tap into. this is where we skirt the issues. all of them.

so, h’ok…

for the past year, i’ve been struggling with incessant back pain. it never goes away. there are times i can walk and hardly notice it, but these times are shorter and happen farther from each other every day. and this pain has made my life smaller. i have to plan out things in time and distance so that i end up as close to starting as possible. i can’t travel far and i have to limit my stay. so, do i stand in the kitchen and make food today or do i sit at the computer and write? work on web pages? or maybe i should study for two hours? i can plan one thing a day.

my life is so small.

and i look around and think, everyone is out there, and here i am, inside this cocoon of pain, insulated from my old life, from their lives, from what is important and from all that is fun.

and i’m miserable.
and i hate being miserable.

so that point of power is actually getting larger. taking up more space. the bigness of life (out there) is farther away and my life is coiling smaller, concentrating into an ever decreasing amount of space. it is so heavy now. that point of contact, that place of power is looming, and i’m mentally poking at this big-ass bubble where reality exists outside of time, space and pain.

i’m figuring something out, but i don’t yet know exactly what it is.

i’m watching people i love. they are defining themselves according to their jobs, hopes and dreams of the future, reflections of each other, and holding onto their past lives as if nothing now matters, immobilized by shock and pain.

oh, it happens all the time. all the small disappointments, the false starts and sudden stops, then every once in awhile some shocking reality like the death of a loved one, the loss of a hope that a dream was based on… oh, it goes on and on… and everything gets bigger and harder to reach and you stand where nothing is never the same as it was.

stop here. this is it. nothing. the void. the source. the place of power.

the thing the yogis call “the present moment” or as Ram Dass said, “Be here now.”

the fleeting present thing that holds every real thing in its moment. the thing we keep missing for all the big and small things, then and later, that hold only our imaginings and none of our substance.


nothing much…

My boys are scattered. Brni is in Virginia, Michael is in Japan and Jesse just flew off to Hawaii yesterday. Even though Michael and Jess are not living here, the change in distance brings back the empty womb feeling after giving birth. They say Nothing is impossible to comprehend, but that’s not true. Every woman who has given birth understands what Nothing feels like. Nothing is as real as blood and bone and it weighs a great deal.

but that’s not what i want to type about…

I want to try to understand why some people (especially those I’m related to) complicate things to a degree that is absurd.

going to hawaii…

Now, if I were going to Hawaii, I would pack as close to nothing as possible. Some shirts, loose pants, a reasonable number of underwear changes, toothbrush, witch hazel, toothpaste, emergency medicines (wormwood, poke, skullcap, st.j’s, motherwort, osha, aspirin and benadryl), and a good book or two. Oh, and my rubbery sandals.

Even that seems a bit much to me, but I’m thinking a week or so and I do tend to overthink things. It’s something I’m working on…

My son and his two friends? Well, on Sunday the first boy showed up around 7pm. He is a massive boy and brought one massive suitcase, one regular suitcase, a small suitcase, 4 guitar cases (presumably with guitars), and an acme bag with his underwear and toiletries in it.

Brni said, “We need two cars.”

At 11:30pm Brni went to pick up Jesse from work. He brought a guitar, mixing board, a duffel bag full of clothes and a backpack. He borrowed our suitcase and transfered most of his stuff from the duffle bag and threw in the mixing board.

The third boy showed up around 1am. Being a smallish boy, he had only one regular sized suitcase. I’m not sure, but maybe one of the guitars the massive boy brought was his? I guess it doesn’t matter, the size of the pile taking up half the living room was the same no matter how you divied it up.

Very early Monday morning, after a minimal amount of sleep, Brni and the boys managed to get everything into my car. They packed it firmly and solidly, utilizing every scrap of space, including laps, and off they went to Newark airport, 2 hours drive from here.

Here’s the other thing I don’t understand — why won’t any of the people related to me fly out of Philly? Don’t they understand that flying is a wonderful convenience and it is not so convenient to pick airports that require long travel times to get to?


After Brni got the boys and all their earthly possessions out of the car and into the airport, he suggested that upon their return, they hire a limo to get them from newark to philly and we can take it from there.

This morning at exactly 3:45 am, Jess sent me a text message, “Im here and everythings great.” I smiled, and went back to bed, Nothing weighing a little less on my mind.

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