it’s hard to be homebound. it’s exhausting to do nothing.
patience…yes, i get that the universe is teaching me this important lesson, but sheesh! why can’t i learn it in 3 weeks instead of 6? and at the end of the 6 weeks? nobody has told me what happens then. do i really get out of this brace? will i be able to drive? bend over? shower without help?
ok…granted i’m bored. the better i feel the more boring doing nothing is. but did my dad really have to take this opportunity to fabricate a crisis? for those of you who don’t know, my father is a demented, dirty old man. but even when he had all his marbles, he was a selfish, self-absorbed, procrastinating binge drinker with a propensity to lie and gamble. he never saved a dime and stole every penny i ever made (from the time i was 12) until i left home. then, he stole all the E bonds my mom saved for my son’s education. cashed them in and bragged about it.
so, how did i get stuck being responsible for his well-being? just stupid, i guess. he also managed to get me financially strapped by getting me to cosign his lease. and now, he’s running the risk of getting himself kicked out because he started picking a fight with one of the owners. he’s not only senile, he’s belligerent about it.
and here i am….stuck in the house…can’t even get in the car and go find out what’s going on. well, i guess he’s on his own with this one. not a damn thing i can do about it and if he does get kicked out, well, that’s on him. no way can i let him stay with us. we have a tiny, little house with only one bathroom and he can’t do stairs easily. plus he chain smokes stinky mentholated cigarettes and doesn’t bathe regularly. and he never shuts up. talk talk talk, mostly about his bowels. ugh.
so, it’s a bitch being homebound.
but then again, maybe it’s a blessing.
i am an impatient thing. i’m 15 days post-op and i am sick of the brace, sick of doing nothing, sick of pain. i feel i should be completely well and my stupid brain does not understand why this is taking so long.
my friends, the visiting nurse and physical therapist all say i have to remember i’m only a couple weeks post-op and these things take time and i should not try to rush myself. at the same time they all ooh and ahh at how quickly the bruising went away and how fast my incision is healing and how well i’m doing with the walking and pain management. today the nurse was amazed that i’m showering on my own and only need brni’s help to wash my back.
so, i’m confused as well as impatient.
i want spring to be here NOW. i need to get outside and visit my yard and my plants and figure out where i’m going to put what this year. i missed the equinox because of my back and the mucking with time (daylight savings) has gotten me off as well. i hate daylight savings time. why do people think it’s ok to muck with time? when the sun is at the top of the sky it should be noon. end of story.
i need to figure out a way to opt out of the whole time thing as it is presently measured. in fact, i need to the study time in terms of calendars as well. i dislike the gregorian calendar mostly because it’s ridiculous to hinge an entire year’s reckoning on when easter happens. so, it appears i need to research calendars and figure out how to make sense of time and apply it so that my year has some practical meaning. i need to know where the moon is, the angle of the sun, the progress of the seasons (no matter how screwed up they are due to climate change). it just might be that i will need to dispense with time-keeping altogether and just watch and think in terms of spirals and ellipses.
hmmm…this may be the answer to the trouble i have with all those xtian holidays that make my life a living hell every winter.
o good! i think i have a project!