Tag Archives: time

patience is a virtue and time is forever

i am an impatient thing. i’m 15 days post-op and i am sick of the brace, sick of doing nothing, sick of pain. i feel i should be completely well and my stupid brain does not understand why this is taking so long.

my friends, the visiting nurse and physical therapist all say i have to remember i’m only a couple weeks post-op and these things take time and i should not try to rush myself. at the same time they all ooh and ahh at how quickly the bruising went away and how fast my incision is healing and how well i’m doing with the walking and pain management. today the nurse was amazed that i’m showering on my own and only need brni’s help to wash my back.

so, i’m confused as well as impatient.
~~~
i want spring to be here NOW. i need to get outside and visit my yard and my plants and figure out where i’m going to put what this year. i missed the equinox because of my back and the mucking with time (daylight savings) has gotten me off as well. i hate daylight savings time. why do people think it’s ok to muck with time? when the sun is at the top of the sky it should be noon. end of story.

i need to figure out a way to opt out of the whole time thing as it is presently measured. in fact, i need to the study time in terms of calendars as well. i dislike the gregorian calendar mostly because it’s ridiculous to hinge an entire year’s reckoning on when easter happens. so, it appears i need to research calendars and figure out how to make sense of time and apply it so that my year has some practical meaning. i need to know where the moon is, the angle of the sun, the progress of the seasons (no matter how screwed up they are due to climate change). it just might be that i will need to dispense with time-keeping altogether and just watch and think in terms of spirals and ellipses.

hmmm…this may be the answer to the trouble i have with all those xtian holidays that make my life a living hell every winter.

o good! i think i have a project!


I don’t know quite what to do with myself.

This was my last day working at Villanova. 18 years–a chunk of time, that. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years this week. I hope it’s reversible.

The day was better than I thought it would be. Lee wanted to go through some stuff she’ll need to know, taking up a fair bit of the morning. Lots of people coming by to say bye. A fun, somewhat raucous lunch with Lee, Phylis and Kathy set me up for the rest of the afternoon. I thought I’d be leaving early, but Luisa needed to go through things and I needed to go through things, and Lee and I needed to pretend we weren’t ready for a good cry. We’ve been partners for 15 years and leaving her is just the hardest thing I’ve done. Harder than divorcing those old husbands.

So around 3:30 I sent out my final email, set my mail to forward to Lee, gathered up my stuff and managed to walk out the door 15 minutes later.

for the last time

When I got to the car, I set my “good luck” balloons free and drove home.

done


keeping time

so…my darling son, michael turned 35 yesterday. i sent him an e-card that he didn’t have a plug-in to hear. ahwell. my younger son, jesse (a mere 24) is nursing his broken heart. he’s cried so much, he has sores on his cheekbones. they are old, my babies. i can’t scoop them up anymore to celebrate or soothe.

i think of dali’s dripping clocks. wherever did we get the notion that time is linear? that it is measurable in discrete ticks and tocks? it’s a swirly thing. the rate at which time moves is highly variable and not at all regular. it doesn’t matter how many time pieces, watches or atomic clocks we consult, time just does its own rather bizarre thing. it works around us, on us, through us, despite us. it sneaks up on us, rushing us along, slowly twisting in arthritic knots.

i find that time has mucked up the spaces between me and everything else. it’s a palpable thing, like fog. i can see it, taste it, make it swirl and shape it into interesting patterns, but i can’t make it go away. it’s hugging, blunting the connections, filling in the open spaces and making it damn near impossible to reach out and grab my kids. time is messing with my eyes, shifting my focus. i see the ground more clearly. time is in cahoots with gravity, pulling on my breasts and belly, pressing me closer to the earth. the plants and trees are taking up more space in my head and the animals are circling closer. it’s a weird thing to watch.

last night i dug up the two year old poke plant that dominated my backyard this summer. she gave me her berries which are now drying in my cupboard. her mother, twice her size, keeps watch on the side of the house, and her sisters and daughters stay scattered about the perimeter. her roots were thicker than i thought they’d be and they spread almost as far as her branches did. i had no idea. these roots will make a large amount of very potent medicine. more than my family will ever need or use in several lifetimes. but, with strange forebodings of pandemics and plagues, i think this medicine will be offered up for barter or sale or giveaway as needed. sister poke knows more than i do and with all the attention she lavished on me this year, i’m sure there is time enough to send her where she’s needed.

so time is settling around me, nudging me off the line, shifting my focus around and down, grounding me. my sons are still running the distance, but i’m stepping off the path and into the circle.


%d bloggers like this: