I have one more illustration to do and I’m done. The book is back from the printer and I hear that several copies are now sitting expectantly in Alabama, waiting for clothes from ladywind. This is all very exciting, but I want to be finished now, but I have the following to do before Oct. 10:
1. last illustration (done today for sure)
2. bookmarks for giveaways
3. brni’s webpage
4. my webpage
5. paint all the sculpy baby dragon claws to sell at FaerieCon
6. business cards
7. brochure for my yoga teacher
At some point, I need to get out in the yard and do some gardening before my little piece of the planet dies a horrible tangled, viney mess.
I don’t know quite what to do with myself.
This was my last day working at Villanova. 18 years–a chunk of time, that. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years this week. I hope it’s reversible.
The day was better than I thought it would be. Lee wanted to go through some stuff she’ll need to know, taking up a fair bit of the morning. Lots of people coming by to say bye. A fun, somewhat raucous lunch with Lee, Phylis and Kathy set me up for the rest of the afternoon. I thought I’d be leaving early, but Luisa needed to go through things and I needed to go through things, and Lee and I needed to pretend we weren’t ready for a good cry. We’ve been partners for 15 years and leaving her is just the hardest thing I’ve done. Harder than divorcing those old husbands.
So around 3:30 I sent out my final email, set my mail to forward to Lee, gathered up my stuff and managed to walk out the door 15 minutes later.
for the last time
When I got to the car, I set my “good luck” balloons free and drove home.
wow. haven’t even left yet and there is talk about how i ran my department.
i had a feeling things would be said, but i thought that they’d have the decency to at least wait til i was gone.
the next 7 days are going to take a very long time.
what a hurtful place.
this job has lasted longer than all my marriages put together. so, leaving is more like a divorce in some ways. my life, how i identify myself, how i plan my day and the people i interact with each day are all about to change. yes, much like a divorce. like several divorces! it is amicable and hurtful, sad and exciting. i don’t think this separation will be destructive like some of the worst divorces, but it could have been were i a different person.
i heard today that a word i said was twisted and turned and used as a blunt instrument. well…that is actually up for interpretation, depending on who does the recounting. some felt the comment a more general one, others felt it was an ultimatum. like i said, depends on who does the recounting. all i know is one word was taken out of context and blown up to mean more than it should have and pointed in a direction i had not intended.
too bad that.
but this sort of thing will not touch me after march 3rd. this sort of thing is what i want to be shut of. after march 3rd, i will be creating art and designing web pages and planning my garden.
i quit my job today.
i quit my job a month ahead of schedule.
the plan was to leave by april fools day, but a co-worker in a different department decided to challenge me. made an effort to upset me. treated me with disrespect and attempted to bully me.
i wanted to give him a wake up call.
i wanted to trash him.
i wanted to rip out his throat out and present him with gristle.
instead, i grew quiet.
i repeated the procedure and fell back on policy.
i then went to lunch.
it took me 45 minutes to stop shaking.
i thought, is it worth it? do i need to take this? is it worth it?
i then wrote my resignation letter
made 3 copies
put one in the director’s mail slot, one in his assistant’s slot, and one in my supervisor’s slot.
i then told those who needed to know that i’d be leaving them to pursue my LIFE.
and i apologized
and i paced
and i pressed my fists to my solar plexus.
i am still pressing
shit will hit fan
i will point no fingers
i will say no thing that could be used against another
but if he calls me up
if he wants more than i’m willing to give
i will tell him that i simply cannot, in good conscience, work in his world.
i will take my dignity with me and hope for the best.
dreamt that i was sitting with luisa. we were supposedly in the library, but you wouldn’t recognize it as a library. it was chaoltic and there were shopping carts, trash, toys, people lying around. joe came in with lots of papers and sat down. luisa walked off and i said to joe that i wanted to be brutally honest about his plan for the planetary scanner. i told him none of his options were viable and gave him my opinion on what he should do. when he answered me he was very serious and his voice was about an octave lower than usual. i thought to myself that he was doing that on purpose to show how mature and serious he is. it was a farce.
another dream…earlier. i went to the new karate school to see master chang. jess was there and i think brni was too. the kids class was just over and the adult class was starting. i didn’t know who was teaching. he was showing people different sorts of traditional weapons. master chang came into the weight room and started working out. he had hair cut in a very young stylish manner. it was weird. i tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention and he turned. i said hi. he turned and looked at me and said, ah, linda. hello. then he turned away from me. no smile. no how are you. nothing. he was angry with me and disappointed. i was very sad and wanted so much to talk to him to explain why i had to stop coming to class and also to see if he could help me get over my back problems so that i could come back. he moved over to a different weight machine and i approached him again. this time i complimented his hair and he smiled and sort of morphed into a shallow silly man talking about ridiculous things. again, i was unable to tell him why i was there and the way he was acting, i didn’t think he would be able to help.
i left and went upstairs to see the new section of the school. the empty hallway was freshly painted a rather strange yellow with burnt sienna trim. i walked into the back room and there were lots of women there playing with all these strange gadgets. there were floating lamps and all manner of strange electronic stuff. it was something out of the discovery store meets soft porn by disney. the guy who just moved in (apparently, this part of the building became an apartment) came in and sat down to eat. i held one of the toys and asked what it was and asked why he had so many cool and wonderful things. he said they were great chick magnets. so, i left, looked in the other rooms…they were all full of tastefully arranged techno wonders. i went back into the stark hallway and down the stairs to the dojo, which felt more like a huge warehouse a la ikea. i left, feeling rather depressed. jesse left with me, but he was very happy and talkative.
don’t remember much more, except somewhere in one of these dreams i was looking at an ultrasound of a baby. but the ultrasound was animated and showed the baby swiming in a tube-like bottle. i don’t know if it was mine or someone elses. my mom was there and she was very happy about it. there was also a man demonstrating some new agey-wavy magical toys or instruments that showed the relation of the new baby to the electro magnetic field surrounding the earth and how when the earth passes through to the center of this field the baby flips over. none of it made any sense and the strange gauges and ultrasound cartoon kept moving around wildly.
i’m not feeling at all rested.
everytime someone goes through to the staff lounge, the door bangs loud enough to hurt my ears. each collegue is good for two bangs. none are kind enough to close the door gently. the UPS guy comes by once a day and loads and unloads large numbers of boxes of ILL books. he scans and beeps each friggin box. to the right of my desk, between me and the loudly and constantly banging door is a free standing, metal, double-sided shelving unit with all the books that belong to faculty for this semesters course work. people stand on the other side and whisper loudly enough for me to hear their gossip. for some reason they think these books make me deaf and dumb. i find this strangely amusing. this may also be why they don’t think that a loudly banging door is a problem. a lot of people think that since there is no fourth wall and door separating my desk and equipment from them, they can take my supplies and not return or replace them. i do not find this amusing. even though there are only three walls and no door defining my space, there is no airflow — just people flow.
it’s sort of like working in a fishbowl resting on it’s side.
is it possible? has something changed? realigned? shifted so that i can free myself of the drudgeries and the burden of spending every day doing things i find annoying and unsatisfying? is it possible i can spend time with people i choose doing things that are meaningful or just fun?
koochy-koo, baby! it just might be!
is it just me or is there a magnifying glass aimed at our heads? it’s getting uncomfortably hot down here and everything seems bigger and meaner. i have a nagging suspicion that someone is pumping toxic gasses into all the nooks and crannies. and do you think someone has gone ’round the place with a large whet stone sharpening all the edges?
a long time ago, i bought this book which i never read called voluntary simplicity. i just now moved it from the will read before i die pile to the top of the read it now pile. i’m hoping it will help. i’ll let you know if find out how to smooth some edges, filter the air and maybe find a nice, soft, shady spot.
i think i’m almost recovered from the massive computer crash last thursday at work. still not completely sure what happened, but we think it was due to spyware which blew away my XP profile, taking my Netscrape mail profile with it. basically, i lost almost 4 days of work plus all my correspondence for the academic year plus about the last 6 months of 2003. i can’t even wrap my brain around the amount of loss and what the impact will be later on. for now, i have almost everything set up the way it needs to be (been working on that for 2 days), and i’m investigating ways of saving my mail so that i don’t lose it again.
so, i applied for an opening in the HR dept here at ‘nova. it’s a grade lower than my present position, but that’s fine by me as long as i can retain my present salary (which i think i can as long as i’m not earning more than the salary range for the lower grade). i’m also planning on sending in a resume for a position in our karate school. i’m sure that one will be a much lower salary, but at this point, i’ll do anything to get out of this library.
feeling kinda yucky ’bout the whole thing. not yucky about leaving the library…this place has gone to the dogs. i refuse to sit through another staff meeting being castigated by joe. almost every person i know who isn’t in his very small inner circle is either looking for a job elsewhere or is actively disassociating themselves emotionally. it’s really all you can do in a situation like this. can’t complain to anyone and expect anything to be done. that’s not the villanova way. no, i’m feeling yucky because i’ll be leaving some decent people out on a lurch…but, in a way, that’s rather satisfying…a bunch of people will finally find out what a bear running this dept. really is. heh. gee…i don’t think i feel yucky about leaving at all now. an evil sort of giddiness is bubbling up.
so…i hope something comes of the resumes. worse comes to worse, i’ll get a job baggin groceries at whole foods. actually, that sounds rather nice. go to work…hang out w/people into organics, yoga, and alternative lifestyles. no responsibility beyond the job. lots more time for art and gardening.
yeah…sounds better all the time.
myomy…the joe show was more than i could have hoped for. he yelled, he growled, he railed, he laughed, he empathized, he sympathized, he chastized. it was….the all joe show in all joe’s glory.
he wanted to talk about, “the two of us” (him and all of us). he likened our coming together 2 years ago on this day to a marriage. and the metaphor went on in all it’s overdone banality. and he went on to analyze this marriage…analyze his role and our role.
well, not exactly. he lauded his role, his vision, his insight. he described himself as an “intellectual instigator,” and he scolded us for being short-sighted backstabbers unwilling to embrace change. he publically chastized one staff member by name…referring to the particular incident not just once but twice.
and then, i forget in reference to what, he said, “i want to be like john edwards.”
getting ready for the all staff meeting to [celebrate] the 2nd anniversary of our director. the past year has been so full of division and discord that to sit and listen for an hour (or more) to this man wax poetic, streaming his conscious all over our already salted wounds is going to take mega doses of rescue remedy.
so, thinking abt all the stuff that i’m investigating. getting into herbalism. start is slow. wanting to learn but not finding it easy to hook up with a reputable school that i can afford. i want to get involved with susun weed, but not finding the time/money/courage to hike on up to woodstock and offer myself up.
but i will. i just need to clear away all the cobwebs.
do i also want to enroll in a correspondence school for herbalism? cheapest place i found was 5k for a full course in master of herbalism. haven’t been able to find out any independent info on how reputable they are. if anyone out there knows anything abt the clayton college of natural health, give me a clue.
i am taking a weed course in spirit and practice of healing. lots of interesting stuff to build intuitiveness which for me is scary business. but wholly necessary for me to break out of my too linear scientific cause/effect frame of reference. need to build those magical muscles.
so, i bought a couple books on tarot and a couple decks…one to practice and one for beauty.
practicing reiki on myself everyday, but would love to practice on others more. guess i need to go looking for those others.
work is bad. missing boss is found. his very presence has made the atmosphere in the library most oppressive. i actually was brought to tears today. spent half the day trying to loosen my tightened chest. my life in that library is definitely limited. but that means way less money to live on. what to do? what is responsible? what is healthy? will eliminating the negative energy of my job be worth the loss of income?
odear. fear of poverty. but ogoddess…the thought of freedom is so fuckin appealing.
the cold got to me. took off at lunchtime for rest of day. yay! ihatemyjob.
anyway, decided this would be the perfect afternoon to break down and buy wrist braces to quiet down the tunneling carps. i tried on every brace they had; noticed that other people had done the same but paid nary a nevermind to which box they put them back into so they were in the wrong boxes. so…after straightening out the pharmacy’s inventory of wrist braces, i bought the two that felt the most comfy and weren’t screamingly ugly.
so, now i’m practicing typing with them. is weird.
next, i have to try and draw w/them. i think it will be ok. the massage therapist told me to sleep with them on at night to keep from scrunching up my hands…i wonder if i can somehow make them sexy? *looking pointedly at braces* nah.
strange headline in sunday’s “parade” insert: “WE CAN STOP KILLER FIRES…plus Cooking for Couples.” ack. what were they thinking?
well, i guess i’m going to see what journaling online is like. brni thinks it’s a good thing and since brni’s usually right (cough), i thought i’d give it a try. kinda weird tho to think people can look at this shit (or even want to), but people do strange things all the time.
so right now i’m at work and very aggravated, which is the usual state i’m in at work nowadaze. the construction dudes are deconstructing the first & ground floor. i’ve been evicted from the space i was working in for the past 16 years. my eventual space will be an 18×18 foot walled in box. i’m so looking forward to no windows, no view, no room for my elbows and best of all–no ventilation!
it’s freezing up here in my temporary digs on the 2nd floor. i’m in an aisle along w/my workstation, scanning station and boxes full of my supplies. the most wonderful thing here is my little space heater which keeps my feet and ankles warm.
my tunneling carps are so aggravated by all this that my hands and arms are completely pain-ridden and getting worse hourly.
so…ok. yuk. next entry will have NOTHING to do w/work. end of work bitch.