I have one more illustration to do and I’m done. The book is back from the printer and I hear that several copies are now sitting expectantly in Alabama, waiting for clothes from ladywind. This is all very exciting, but I want to be finished now, but I have the following to do before Oct. 10:
1. last illustration (done today for sure)
2. bookmarks for giveaways
3. brni’s webpage
4. my webpage
5. paint all the sculpy baby dragon claws to sell at FaerieCon
6. business cards
7. brochure for my yoga teacher
At some point, I need to get out in the yard and do some gardening before my little piece of the planet dies a horrible tangled, viney mess.
I don’t know quite what to do with myself.
This was my last day working at Villanova. 18 years–a chunk of time, that. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years this week. I hope it’s reversible.
The day was better than I thought it would be. Lee wanted to go through some stuff she’ll need to know, taking up a fair bit of the morning. Lots of people coming by to say bye. A fun, somewhat raucous lunch with Lee, Phylis and Kathy set me up for the rest of the afternoon. I thought I’d be leaving early, but Luisa needed to go through things and I needed to go through things, and Lee and I needed to pretend we weren’t ready for a good cry. We’ve been partners for 15 years and leaving her is just the hardest thing I’ve done. Harder than divorcing those old husbands.
So around 3:30 I sent out my final email, set my mail to forward to Lee, gathered up my stuff and managed to walk out the door 15 minutes later.
for the last time
When I got to the car, I set my “good luck” balloons free and drove home.
wow. haven’t even left yet and there is talk about how i ran my department.
i had a feeling things would be said, but i thought that they’d have the decency to at least wait til i was gone.
the next 7 days are going to take a very long time.
what a hurtful place.
this job has lasted longer than all my marriages put together. so, leaving is more like a divorce in some ways. my life, how i identify myself, how i plan my day and the people i interact with each day are all about to change. yes, much like a divorce. like several divorces! it is amicable and hurtful, sad and exciting. i don’t think this separation will be destructive like some of the worst divorces, but it could have been were i a different person.
i heard today that a word i said was twisted and turned and used as a blunt instrument. well…that is actually up for interpretation, depending on who does the recounting. some felt the comment a more general one, others felt it was an ultimatum. like i said, depends on who does the recounting. all i know is one word was taken out of context and blown up to mean more than it should have and pointed in a direction i had not intended.
too bad that.
but this sort of thing will not touch me after march 3rd. this sort of thing is what i want to be shut of. after march 3rd, i will be creating art and designing web pages and planning my garden.
i quit my job today.
i quit my job a month ahead of schedule.
the plan was to leave by april fools day, but a co-worker in a different department decided to challenge me. made an effort to upset me. treated me with disrespect and attempted to bully me.
i wanted to give him a wake up call.
i wanted to trash him.
i wanted to rip out his throat out and present him with gristle.
instead, i grew quiet.
i repeated the procedure and fell back on policy.
i then went to lunch.
it took me 45 minutes to stop shaking.
i thought, is it worth it? do i need to take this? is it worth it?
i then wrote my resignation letter
made 3 copies
put one in the director’s mail slot, one in his assistant’s slot, and one in my supervisor’s slot.
i then told those who needed to know that i’d be leaving them to pursue my LIFE.
and i apologized
and i paced
and i pressed my fists to my solar plexus.
i am still pressing
shit will hit fan
i will point no fingers
i will say no thing that could be used against another
but if he calls me up
if he wants more than i’m willing to give
i will tell him that i simply cannot, in good conscience, work in his world.
i will take my dignity with me and hope for the best.
dreamt that i was sitting with luisa. we were supposedly in the library, but you wouldn’t recognize it as a library. it was chaoltic and there were shopping carts, trash, toys, people lying around. joe came in with lots of papers and sat down. luisa walked off and i said to joe that i wanted to be brutally honest about his plan for the planetary scanner. i told him none of his options were viable and gave him my opinion on what he should do. when he answered me he was very serious and his voice was about an octave lower than usual. i thought to myself that he was doing that on purpose to show how mature and serious he is. it was a farce.
another dream…earlier. i went to the new karate school to see master chang. jess was there and i think brni was too. the kids class was just over and the adult class was starting. i didn’t know who was teaching. he was showing people different sorts of traditional weapons. master chang came into the weight room and started working out. he had hair cut in a very young stylish manner. it was weird. i tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention and he turned. i said hi. he turned and looked at me and said, ah, linda. hello. then he turned away from me. no smile. no how are you. nothing. he was angry with me and disappointed. i was very sad and wanted so much to talk to him to explain why i had to stop coming to class and also to see if he could help me get over my back problems so that i could come back. he moved over to a different weight machine and i approached him again. this time i complimented his hair and he smiled and sort of morphed into a shallow silly man talking about ridiculous things. again, i was unable to tell him why i was there and the way he was acting, i didn’t think he would be able to help.
i left and went upstairs to see the new section of the school. the empty hallway was freshly painted a rather strange yellow with burnt sienna trim. i walked into the back room and there were lots of women there playing with all these strange gadgets. there were floating lamps and all manner of strange electronic stuff. it was something out of the discovery store meets soft porn by disney. the guy who just moved in (apparently, this part of the building became an apartment) came in and sat down to eat. i held one of the toys and asked what it was and asked why he had so many cool and wonderful things. he said they were great chick magnets. so, i left, looked in the other rooms…they were all full of tastefully arranged techno wonders. i went back into the stark hallway and down the stairs to the dojo, which felt more like a huge warehouse a la ikea. i left, feeling rather depressed. jesse left with me, but he was very happy and talkative.
don’t remember much more, except somewhere in one of these dreams i was looking at an ultrasound of a baby. but the ultrasound was animated and showed the baby swiming in a tube-like bottle. i don’t know if it was mine or someone elses. my mom was there and she was very happy about it. there was also a man demonstrating some new agey-wavy magical toys or instruments that showed the relation of the new baby to the electro magnetic field surrounding the earth and how when the earth passes through to the center of this field the baby flips over. none of it made any sense and the strange gauges and ultrasound cartoon kept moving around wildly.
i’m not feeling at all rested.