donna’s real father

i posted this in reply to westlin’ wind’s nesting story. then i thought, maybe it might be fun for other friends to read…so, sorry for the repeat for those who read both of us….

when i was 10, there was a very precocious girl at tarelton day camp. one day she told us some jokes that i just didn’t understand, but everybody laughed so i figured they were funny. that night, i told helen, my babysitter the joke. well, i managed to get out the the title of the joke, “this joke is called johnny fuckharder…” and helen said, “don’t say that! it’s true!” what’s true?

she scurried me off to bed and next thing i know, mom and dad are waking me up in the middle of the night. dad proceeds to spend hours, slowly and tearfully explaining about the facts of life. mom sat in the corner, staring at the floor. finally dad said, “do you have any questions?” i just had one, “doesn’t it hurt?” dad stood up in a huff and blurted, “ask your mother” and stomped from the room. mom just shrugged and walked out.

so, i thought about this for awhile. i figured, well ok…the nuns say god puts the seed in the mom’s tummy and the baby grows. so, i guess the guy has to activate the seed by bumping it once. so you only have to do it once, bump the seed and then babies form at random intervals. ok. i can deal with that.

but….aunt rose was married to this guy who was killed in the war before she married uncle andy. so, who’s donna’s and little andy’s father? uncle andy or the dead guy? so, i asked aunt rose if uncle andy had ever seen her naked. she screamed no and threw a wooden spoon at my head. ok. the dead guy is the real father. i have to tell donna. so, to donna’s horror, i proceeded to explain the facts of life, with all the ramifications pertaining to her parentage. donna ran screaming hysterically from the news.

somehow the grown ups straightened things out with donna, but i had to wait until health class in 7th grade before finding out about sperms and eggs and that god doesn’t have a thing to do with it.


2 responses to “donna’s real father

  • seabee

    oh linda i’m laughing very hard, which is painful considering i have strep, tonsillitis, and a sinus infection. eeew. but yeah… laughing so hard. thank you for a lovely story… today’s going to be a great day, i can just tell!
    xoxo
    kate

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  • otcyborg

    I’ll do you one better…from the time I was 2 until I was 12 I was raised by my father and his male partner, with no concious memory of my mother. Iwas told when grown-ups want a baby that they do private grown-up things and that makes a baby. The lack of gender in this explanation led me to assume that they had made me. Boy, was I shocked when I learned different! I also didn’t learn about periods until I got one-first day of school at a new school. Thank god my older sister happened into the bathroom where I was hiding, certain that I was bleeding to death.
    Now, I have told Molly everything really specifically as soon as she’s asked. Her response” Thanks Mom, Now I’m sure I never want to hear that again.”
    Wish you had been there the day Kim and I had to give her an on-the-spot explanation of what tampons were for in the dojang bathroom. Be glad you have sons!

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