my father, my spine

There’s always been a theory floating around in my head that my back pain was caused by my father. That my difficult relationship with him settled in my back and no matter what I did or tried to do, my pain would never leave as long as my father had a grip on my spine.

Well, two days ago, my father decided to create another one of his dramatic crises that sucked me into a whirl of worry and dread. And in the wee hours of this morning, after horrible dreams of my father imprisoning me and threatening me with a gun, and my attempts to flee, and enlisting help from others, and trying to board a plane for alaska or outer space, and the bastard hunting me down — the old pain has returned to my left leg.

I am attempting to rationalize this. I am hoping this is pressure from some other thing, not my spine. I am hoping it’s muscle pain, not nerve pain and that I will successfully walk it off.

12 thoughts on “my father, my spine

    1. lsaboe says:

      Re: Stress
      the one thing, the only thing i can think to do right now is to not take anymore calls from my father for awhile. how long? dunno, but i am in no condition to fix his fuck ups and i can’t spend precious energy on him when i need all my resources (physical and emotional) to heal my back.
      i hate to say it, kerry, but i think i hate him.

      1. ossobucco says:

        And from what I’ve read — all that I know about you — you have the strength to NOT let it fail. Don’t let him bring you down.

    1. lsaboe says:

      thanks…i need a dose of common sense. of course, with that damn dream, waking up, going back to sleep just to have the dream rewind and having to escape all over again, i was probably moving too much in my sleep. i’m supposed to do a “log roll” when i roll over to avoid twisting, so i hope all i did was stress the area a bit.
      i guess feeling that old pain scared the shit out of me. but, at the same time, i realize i have to shield myself from things/people that upset me. the dirty old man is on his own for the duration.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I think you’re right: don’t take his calls for a while. I mean…he survived the week you were in the hospital, right???
    I’m afraid to ask, but…what happens when you try to discuss what to do with dear old dad with your sister? How come it’s all on you? Can you tell your sister that from now on she’s got to shoulder some of this?

    1. lsaboe says:

      oh, she’s been trying. calls him and tries to talk sense into him, etc. her health situation, although different from mine, doesn’t allow her to take care of him in a physical way, i.e., she can’t clean his house or ferry him around, etc. add to that, that after mom died, when dad still had all his faculties, he tortured her emotionally. yelled at her, called her horrible names, treated her like shit, while she cleaned the house, made his food, even served him in bed when he didn’t feel like getting up. she finally gave up after 5 years of hell, sold all her stuff and moved to england.
      we’ve discussed this stuff and have concluded that there’s not a whole lot either of us can do at this point.

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