let me be

he won’t stop calling. i refused to answer his calls after my pain came back. i just couldn’t deal with the weight of him.

so, he calls, leaves manipulative messages in increasingly pitiful tones complete with cracking voice, “It’s dad. Call me. I just want to hear your voice. I love you.” and when i don’t call back, he starts calling my sister and telling her i must be dead or something.

sheesh.

One of my first memories of my father was when I was around three years old.

My mother was a beautician and she took particular pride in my long, blonde hair. It was probably close to the middle of my little back by the time I was three. My mother would do up my very straight hair in pin curls to give it a nice, tight wave, which was the style in the early 50s.

Anyway, I had decided that I wanted bangs. I have no recollection of why I wanted bangs, but this was of great importance to my little self. I asked Mom to cut my hair, but she told me that I had to ask my father’s permission. This made the necessity of bangs ever so much more serious.

I remember Mom walking me from the kitchen to the living room. Dad sat on the couch to my right and Mom, quietly on my left. I was a painfully shy child. The simple act of speaking was excruciating. Asking for something I deeply wanted, deadly. But I wanted this badly, so I mustered the courage and asked my father if I could have my hair cut in bangs.

Dad said no. I pleaded. He said no again. There may have been a spark of three year old defiance in my tone, I’m not sure, but he went on to say, “Do what you want, but if you cut your hair, you will no longer be my daughter.”

Whoa! If I cut my hair, I no longer have a father? So, my place in the world, my worth as a person, my very self hinges on the length of my hair? What does that make me? What am I? Even a three year old can figure that one.

I am nothing.

so, tell me old man, how much do you really love me? and tell me, why should i care?

i just want to be left alone. i just want to heal.

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10 responses to “let me be

  • Anonymous

    first, hair is very important
    second, isn’t there some religious cult that will take your dad off of your hands?
    best,
    – anady

    Like

  • notzathros

    There’s a reason we don’t have an answering machine…
    Turn off your answering machine, get caller id and let your sister deal with the ol’ ba***rd for a while.
    Well done with the rent/move thing! Applause and a big hug.
    Hope you’re feeling better and stronger every day!

    Like

  • irishkerry

    Healing
    *HUG* I had the same sort of experience, only I was a bit older. I would say that being older helped, but I think I had sort of suspected the truth all along anyway; hearing it out loud just confirmed it.
    Anyway, *you owe him nothing.* Nothing. Not. Anything. At. All.
    Rinse and repeat . . .

    Like

    • lsaboe

      Re: Healing
      heh…he called bright and early this morning to tell me he has to move because they are raising his rent by 20 bucks. i said, well dad, you won’t find a better deal in a more convenient location, but ya know, good luck with that. hope it all works out. he went on and on and i said, sorry, can’t help you, i have to go now.
      and i can’t help him. i have to stay here and heal. he’s on his own.

      Like

  • Anonymous

    Your sister can assure your father that you’re alive, while you take a vacation from him!
    Love.
    –Barbara

    Like

  • earlofgrey

    Gah. Have the poke plants started trying to form a protective barrier around the perimeter of your house? I’m sure they’re trying.

    Like

  • ossobucco

    Gah!
    That’s TERRIBLE.
    *hugs*

    Like

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