• sorting

    June 14, 2005
    Uncategorized

    the thing that Aisling said to almost everyone was to pay attention…

    I’ve been noticing some things since the drumming/journey session, mostly that I’ve been very irritable and impatient.

    not that that is a remarkable thing

    I *feel* the energy in my body moving, most notably when I give myself reiki at bedtime or when meditating or in shavasana. But, all I have to do is *think* of energy and I feel a tingling sensation inside and outside. At night, when I place my hands on my heart chakra and hara, I immediately move into deep space…almost stuporous. I find I do not want to interact with anyone at the moment, and when I do, it is less than satisfying.

    i want to sleep outside

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  • testeees

    June 13, 2005
    Uncategorized

    here’s the deal. i can’t do the math. i cheated and used a calculator, but even using a calculator, i couldn’t figure out how many miles that stupid woman biked. 😦
    somebody should take this test and tell me how to figure out the answer because it’s driving me crazy.

    Your IQ Is 135

    Your Logical Intelligence is Genius
    Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius
    Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional
    Your General Knowledge is Genius
    A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

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  • well, it wasn’t a road trip…

    June 11, 2005
    Uncategorized

    but it was kinda interesting.

    Since I’ve been studying herbalism, I find myself spinning off in lots of directions. I’ll come across a reference to drumming, Native American medicine wheels, tarot, shamanism…and of course this means that I have to check it all out, which is why I’m probably going to take longer to finish my correspondence course than anyone in history.

    anyway…

    So I was googling something about shamanism and I came across a local shamanic drumming/journeying circle. wow. People do this in Paoli? So last night, with dear Krys, I took my first journey.

    Now, I don’t get a lot of this stuff. I mean, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life thinking in a purely rational, scientific way. I don’t believe in god, devils or angels or those who claim to talk to them. I’m dubious about ghosts and I’ve found no evidence that we go on in any form other than carbon after death. The universe works according to laws and so do we. Behavior, even at it’s most bizarre, is lawful.

    but then again…

    This way of looking at the world is extremely limited. Some things just can’t be measured and relationships, whether they be personal, biological, chemical or something else entirely, are just too complex to be understood when you only look at them through the lens of scientific method. I suppose you could chalk up all the magical thinking, the mythos, pathos and “oh wow!” things in the world as by-products our overly large frontal lobes, but I think that’s a cop out.

    Then I come across string theory, the theory of everything…and I think, hmmm…this stuff sounds an awful lot like what shamams are talking about…it’s all relating…dimensions, alternate realities, energy, vibration, communication between plants, animals, and even us confused, arrogant, disconnected humans.

    maybe there is something more…

    So, what the hell…I’ve decided to let a little mystery in and broaden my outlook on the world as I know it.

    But this is really hard. I don’t know how to “let go.” I don’t trust enough to loosen my grip and let the rational go. So, my journey was very difficult. I had a lot of trouble finding a way in. But…something was going on. Whether it was in my head or somewhere else, I don’t really know. It was a little frustrating in that no one spoke to me. I got the feeling that they (whoever, whatever they were) were disappointed that I’d been gone so long. I had to go it alone and find my own way, which meant I just sorta wandered aimlessly, climbed a strange tree and did a little body-gliding down to the ground. I did meet up with a very large and ancient elk. He let me ride on his back, but he didn’t speak to me and he was so very serious that I had no idea what was expected of me or if there was a place for me at all. Maybe I wasn’t quite “there.” I never truly felt disconnected from my body on the floor.

    back to regular ol’ linear time…

    The drumming was interesting. One woman had an amazing frame drum that looked to be about 3 feet in diameter. Very cool drum! Lots of drums all beating out the same (or nearly the same) rhythm has a cool effect physically. My innards were starting to vibrate in sync with the drums which was very pleasant. I enjoyed the “whale” song cd that Aisling played…I do believe it’s one of her compositions. Aisling leads the circle. She’s a shaman, musician and web-designer. She’s very down to earth and is one of those people who seem to make easy connections with others. And, she has amazing hair. I liked her a lot. There were about a dozen people there, including Krys and I. The group, as a whole, seemed very welcoming with a nice, collective sense of humor. Almost everyone shared their experience, which was fun. I didn’t think I’d have the nerve to “share,” thinking I’d be too shy/embarrassed to say anything, but I did. I guess I’m just not convinced that I’m over my horrid shyness and fear of speaking in front of others. I don’t quite believe I’m actually getting okay with myself and no longer putting excessive stock in, or handing over my power to others.

    I just might do it again.

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  • Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson…

    June 10, 2005
    Uncategorized

    Anne Bancroft died the other day. She was one of my favorite actresses, a beautiful woman, and most probably a saint. She was, after all, married to Mel Brooks for over 40 years.
    Here’s a wonderful obit from NPR: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4694044

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  • stuck on you

    June 8, 2005
    Uncategorized

    Been awhile since I’ve written anything in this journal. things just don’t seem to be pushing me in this direction lately…must be the weather.

    I’m beginning to feel a teeny bit proud of the fact that I’ve not had a cigarette since April 20. Quitting has been difficult, but actually not as violently awful as it was the other times. I’m still disappointed that I allowed myself to start smoking again after being nicotine free for 8 years. Quitting that time was quite an event. Here’s the story…

    Brni and I began seeing each other shortly after he had his famous assignation with the truck in Maryland. His arm was in a lucite sleeve to keep the bone from being displaced since the break was high up near his shoulder and not castable. He was going to physical therapy a couple times a week and at night he had this wonderful contraption to stimulate healing of the bone. The electric “bone stimulator” consisted of a cuff that wrapped around his arm secured with velcro. Brni had to be plugged in for 8 hours a day, so the logical time to do this was at bedtime. The stimulator emitted this soothing humming noise, much like the drone you hear in Indian classical music. After plugging Brni in, I’d get into bed with my head in the crook of his arm and the humming would soothe me into the most restful sleep I’ve ever experienced. I loved that thing.

    anyway…

    Brni told me that the physical therapist could always tell when he’d stayed over at my place because he smelled like cigarette smoke. Brni would take these opportunities to ask me (nag me), “When are you going to quit smoking?” I would say, “Not unless I can get the patch for free.” At the time, to quit smoking using the patch cost about $400. I figured it was a safe bet that this wouldn’t be happening anytime soon.

    So one day Brni came over with a little box. Inside the box was a 3 month supply of nicotine patches.

    oshit.

    His roommate’s wife’s father was a pharmacist and some idiot drug salesman had sent them a bunch of samples. Drug stores can’t dispense or sell samples, so he asked Kim if she knew anyone who wanted them or he was going to throw them out. Kim thought of me.

    So, I take the samples to my doctor to see if there’s anything wrong with them and maybe I can get out of this mess. No such luck.

    The deal with the patch is, you stick it on your body when you get up and leave it on until you go to bed. Some people leave it on all night, but I figured, who smokes in their sleep? You should not get the patch wet, so you can’t bath or swim with it on. I suppose you should rip it off if you ever get caught in a sudden downpour, but I think I’m the only one who worries about stuff like that.

    anyway…

    Ten days after I started the patch, Brni and I went to visit a friend in West Virginia. The day after we got there, we decided to go swimming, so I removed the patch. When it came time to put it back on, I had such a feeling of revulsion that I just told Brni that I was going to give myself a rest from it. I’d been feeling strangely awful for awhile, but I couldn’t articulate what was wrong. I felt disconnected from everything as if I were moving through a dense, oppressive fog.

    Five days later, I still couldn’t bring myself to reapply the patch. I was sitting at my desk shortly after lunch, feeling awful as usual, when I realized I was swelling up. My legs were huge and I felt stretched out all over. I went home and weighed myself…I was 10 pounds heavier than I had been that morning. The next day, around the same time, I start swelling up again, plus I’m now covered by a very itchy rash. I called the doctor and he told me I was reacting to the patch and to take benadryl. I told him it had been over 5 days since I had used it, but he said, “Your body started a reaction and now it won’t stop. Take a double dose of benadryl.”

    so i did…

    Brni came over that evening and was a bit alarmed by my condition. He would ask me a question. I would answer, but it took about 5 minutes to get the words from my brain out my mouth. He called the doctor who said, “Oh shit, now she’s reacting to the benadryl.” He told Brni to put me in bed and just wait it out.

    I was in bed for about a week. What I remember about that week is being in bed in a stupor where occasionally Brni’s or Jesse’s face would appear out of the fog in front of my face. I remember them asking me questions, but that’s about it. I don’t know how Jesse got to school or how he got fed…I don’t even remember getting up to go to the bathroom. It took a year for the episodes of swelling to disappear and I still get rashes occasionally when I’m stressed physically or emotionally. Turns out I’m allergic to adhesive.

    anyway…

    This time I quit cold turkey.
    Seemed safer.

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  • loki

    May 28, 2005
    Uncategorized

    just thought you all should know, my dog bites her nails.

    she also gets annoyed when furniture or paintings are moved. when i had to rearrange stuff to mitigate the black hole brni made in our wall, fucking up the feng shui, i inadvertently left a nail exposed in our bedroom wall (yes, that’s right…buying the damned tv made it necessary to rearrange two rooms). anyway, loki was thoroughly offended by the bare nail in the wall, growling and barking until we were forced to pull it from her sight.

    we discovered her sense of the aesthetic early on. shortly after i brought loki home from the shelter, we enrolled her in puppy school. it was a wonderful experience for loki and for us, and i highly recommend it to all potential puppy parents. this particular evening, class was being held in an old barn of sorts. there were large windows on two sides, one of which looked out onto a field where cows were grazing. as we were standing in place for the next lesson, loki started barking at the window quite insistently. she wouldn’t stop no matter what i did. i looked out the window and said, “i think she’s barking at the cows.” the teacher said, “no, she’s barking at the rug someone put on the window ledge. she doesn’t like it there.”

    what?

    someone had taken their little throw rug which they were using as a puppy mat and put it on the window ledge. why would loki even notice such a thing let alone dislike the placement? i mean, she’s a dog. dogs don’t do design.

    the owner of the throw rug removed it and placed it on the floor. loki stopped barking, turned from the window, now ready for the next lesson.

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Croneswood Art

art and nature tangled in thorny vines of vulture bones and crow feathers.

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