i quit my job today.
i quit my job a month ahead of schedule.
the plan was to leave by april fools day, but a co-worker in a different department decided to challenge me. made an effort to upset me. treated me with disrespect and attempted to bully me.
i wanted to give him a wake up call.
i wanted to trash him.
i wanted to rip out his throat out and present him with gristle.
instead, i grew quiet.
i repeated the procedure and fell back on policy.
i then went to lunch.
it took me 45 minutes to stop shaking.
i thought, is it worth it? do i need to take this? is it worth it?
i then wrote my resignation letter
made 3 copies
put one in the director’s mail slot, one in his assistant’s slot, and one in my supervisor’s slot.
i then told those who needed to know that i’d be leaving them to pursue my LIFE.
and i apologized
and i paced
and i pressed my fists to my solar plexus.
i am still pressing
and pressing
tomorrow…
shit will hit fan
i will point no fingers
i will say no thing that could be used against another
but if he calls me up
if he wants more than i’m willing to give
i will tell him that i simply cannot, in good conscience, work in his world.
i will take my dignity with me and hope for the best.
Category: Uncategorized
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dreamt that i was sitting with luisa. we were supposedly in the library, but you wouldn’t recognize it as a library. it was chaoltic and there were shopping carts, trash, toys, people lying around. joe came in with lots of papers and sat down. luisa walked off and i said to joe that i wanted to be brutally honest about his plan for the planetary scanner. i told him none of his options were viable and gave him my opinion on what he should do. when he answered me he was very serious and his voice was about an octave lower than usual. i thought to myself that he was doing that on purpose to show how mature and serious he is. it was a farce.
another dream…earlier. i went to the new karate school to see master chang. jess was there and i think brni was too. the kids class was just over and the adult class was starting. i didn’t know who was teaching. he was showing people different sorts of traditional weapons. master chang came into the weight room and started working out. he had hair cut in a very young stylish manner. it was weird. i tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention and he turned. i said hi. he turned and looked at me and said, ah, linda. hello. then he turned away from me. no smile. no how are you. nothing. he was angry with me and disappointed. i was very sad and wanted so much to talk to him to explain why i had to stop coming to class and also to see if he could help me get over my back problems so that i could come back. he moved over to a different weight machine and i approached him again. this time i complimented his hair and he smiled and sort of morphed into a shallow silly man talking about ridiculous things. again, i was unable to tell him why i was there and the way he was acting, i didn’t think he would be able to help.
i left and went upstairs to see the new section of the school. the empty hallway was freshly painted a rather strange yellow with burnt sienna trim. i walked into the back room and there were lots of women there playing with all these strange gadgets. there were floating lamps and all manner of strange electronic stuff. it was something out of the discovery store meets soft porn by disney. the guy who just moved in (apparently, this part of the building became an apartment) came in and sat down to eat. i held one of the toys and asked what it was and asked why he had so many cool and wonderful things. he said they were great chick magnets. so, i left, looked in the other rooms…they were all full of tastefully arranged techno wonders. i went back into the stark hallway and down the stairs to the dojo, which felt more like a huge warehouse a la ikea. i left, feeling rather depressed. jesse left with me, but he was very happy and talkative.
don’t remember much more, except somewhere in one of these dreams i was looking at an ultrasound of a baby. but the ultrasound was animated and showed the baby swiming in a tube-like bottle. i don’t know if it was mine or someone elses. my mom was there and she was very happy about it. there was also a man demonstrating some new agey-wavy magical toys or instruments that showed the relation of the new baby to the electro magnetic field surrounding the earth and how when the earth passes through to the center of this field the baby flips over. none of it made any sense and the strange gauges and ultrasound cartoon kept moving around wildly.
i’m not feeling at all rested.
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so much change is in the air.
brni is working around the clock, spending much time on the road. he’s looking to be gone from today until wednesday or so. it’s really quiet when i’m the only one here. kinda strange … there’s a big empty spot that crowds in on me, making me feel self-conscious.
two weeks back at work since the holidaze and my back and hip are totally trashed. brni wants to buy me an expensive chair to take to work. no way. i’ll figure out a cheaper way to deal with it. and anyway, my time there is limited. 74 days and counting.
my poor dad’s situation is distressing. i don’t know really what to do to keep him safe. whichever direction i take him, he won’t understand and will probably hate me for it.
my aunt should be home from the hospital by now. the second day of the new year, she fell down the cellar steps and destroyed her right arm. two surgeries later and she is looking forward to many months of rehab in hopes of getting some feeling and function back. her comment, “i am SO right handed.” heh. maybe it wasn’t so silly to spend six months drawing with my left hand just in case i lost my right arm.
relationships are evolving in ways that i didn’t anticipate, despite the playfulness. this made me catch my breath and it took a day or so to realize i forgot to exhale. with that exhale, i found out how much i love my family and friends and how easy it is to give them the freedom to love me back.
in yoga, breath is everything. you always hear, “breathe into it.” breath is life. breath lightens you by creating space in the body. breath clears the mind and allows you to open to possibility. breath allows you to let go and find freedom in the moment. breath opens the heart.
love and trust is letting go. allowing yourself and others the freedom to express love is only as difficult as breathing.
the world just inhaled, stretched, exhaled and grew lighter. so, despite my job, back, and worries to the contrary, it appears that things are working out just fine.
there’s quite a lot of beauty in all this.
breathe, just breathe.
Croneswood Art 