so, my dad died this morning. i didn’t expect it. even though he was frail. even though he suffered from a sad heart and a confused mind, i didn’t expect it.

but i am relieved because the dread of lingering in a state of dementia is something i didn’t want to see him go through. he’d not been happy or content in this state. for years he was able to fool the world because he was so smart. but i knew. and so did he.

he had a quick and apparently quiet heart attack. i don’t think there was time to suffer. i don’t think he had the acuity to even know what hit him.

i said goodbye at the funeral home. they were kind enough to cover him in quilted white satin as he lay on the gurney waiting for transportation to the crematorium. i didn’t know i wanted to see him until this afternoon. i realized that i needed to say goodbye. i needed to finish this.

so i looked him over, setting his last image in my mind. the change in color, texture and temperature. i laid my hand on his forehead and felt his cold.

i said goodbye to my dad.

i wonder when the tears will come…